For women, sex is both an emotional and a physical experience, so most eventually wind up having feelings for the guy and hoping that he will fall in love with them. I am not saying that men can never connect the physical and the emotional when it comes to sex, but unlike women, they can separate the emotional and physical, allowing them to have recreational sex without getting attached. When I was dating my husband, on our third date he said to me, "I really like you and I want to get to know you, and I don't want to rush into anything, including sex."This was music to my ears. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with having casual sex. Even if he is spending every night cuddling with you, giving you gifts, and making wild, passionate love to you; if he has told you he isn't interested in a relationship, you probably won't ever be anything more than a hookup for him.
It doesn't take a scientist to know that the overwhelming majority of women can't have a hot, casual, sexual relationship with a man and not get hooked in. Without fail, every one of my clients who says that she is just going to have a casual, sexual relationship with a guy until the right one comes along, gets attached and hurt in the end.
I’m not saying that there might not be a hiccup here or there, but if you start dating someone and you’re already feeling like you have to ‘work’ at a relationship you don’t have, the rot will set in fast. Our job when we date, aside from hopefully enjoying ourselves, is to work out what and who we’re dealing with before we make a commitment to have an exclusive relationship and before we feel safe enough to put both feet in and invest ourselves. Manage your insecurities, address any limiting beliefs, and don’t make dating a vocation.
We’re not all in it for the same reasons and as we don’t live in an ideal world, people are 1) not always honest about their reasons or 2) overestimate their interest. Some of you, are meeting someone and thinking ‘Oh please let this be it because I really fancy the arse off them’ and then putting on a blindfold, tying your arms and legs together and diving in. As everyone is not honest about their reasons, you can only discover what someone’s true intentions are by spending time around them with your eyes and ears 100% open and not letting your vagina or penis or your overactive imagination make your judgements for you. Not every person can be ‘it’ – if you’re more eager to be off the market than you are to meet a quality partner, you will project a relationship and just keep trying to slot candidates into the hole in your relationship picture, instead of meeting someone, seeing how it goes, and letting the relationship picture evolve from there. Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.
It really isn’t too great a leap to believe, that because someone seems to enjoy your company so much, you’re sleeping with them over a period of time, giving them an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, being introduced to friends and even family, and are even having references to the future slipped in, that you’re of a healthy, loving (or on the way to loving) relationship such as commitment, intimacy and progression, your relationship is all shirt, no trousers, ham, no burger, bread, no butter. When we finally had The Conversation and I told him that it was obvious that it wasn’t working out, he admitted that he didn’t want a relationship – when we’d got together, he’d broken up with his ex a couple of months before.
He then proceeded to remind me that I was gorgeous, fun, intelligent, great to spend time with and yada yada yada.
In fact, I in particular get men telling me again and again that it’s for sex and that we [women] should know this.
I have a mother, friends, family, and of course many readers who are dating.
However, when I hear stories about disappointment, frustration, and insecurity about dates that haven’t worked out, there is a recurring theme: Do you know what this also means?
Sometimes it’s because we’re emotionally immature, but sometimes it’s because we’re human and we change our minds or something imperceptible or very obvious turns us off. You may be in it for one reason, but some are in it for a shag, or whatever.
You may feel that you have a lot in common – you might, you might not and you will never know this unless you put in the time and discover.